Samaritan Counseling Center

Mediation is a very flexible process and is a form of Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR), meaning that the traditional court system is not used to resolve a dispute between parties.

Mediation uses a trained, neutral third party, a mediator, to assist the parties in resolving their dispute. The mediator does not render a decision. Instead, the mediator assists the parties in facilitating settlement. Both parties bear equal responsibilities, giving way for all parties involved to find a win-win solution. Because of that equal responsibility and ownership in the dispute and the solution, compliance is more likely to result.

Typical issues surrounding custody and visitation disputes may include some or all of the following: residency, decisions, visitations, schedule changes as a child gets older, holidays and school vacations, Father's/Mother's Day, parents' birthdays, children's birthdays, telephone access, extended family provisions, geographic relocation, family name, future adjustments, finances, education, extra-curricular activities, taking children out of town, illness, child care, future mediation, and health insurance. In addition, a couple who is divorcing may agree to mediate property and financial issues.

Expect three to four sessions in divorce and custody mediation cases. These sessions are facilitated by the mediator and last one hour. All parties are in attendance and work toward a goal and an agreement to reach a settlement.outside of the court system. The process relies upon the abilities of the parties to reach a voluntary agreement.

The parties can expect impartiality from the mediator and to have confidence in the process.

Mediation is not therapy, and it is not a means to obtain legal advice. Mediation is not the mediator's process; it is the parties' process, therefore, any party may withdraw from mediation at anytime. The mediator does not meet or communicate with the parties' attorneys, but rather with the parties directly.

The Memorandum of Agreement (or Understanding) is executed by the mediator at the end of mediation process. The Memorandum of Agreement outlines the agreements reached by the parties involved, and all parties receive a copy to present to their attorneys (and judge if mediation is court-ordered) for legal review.

Mediation helps the parties identify common goals, especially as it relates to children from the marriage. The mediator helps the parties focus on the child and the best arrangement that is in the child's best interest. Even when the parties have difficulties being civil to each other, the mediator assists in separating the people from the problems, creating a situation where the focus is on solving mutually-defined problems.

Most importantly, mediation helps keep parties out of the court system, which can be on-going, and extremely costly, not to mention traumatic, especially when children are involved. It is not unusual to meet with individuals in a therapeutic setting who seem to be in a vicious cycle of either being taken to court by an ex-spouse or taking an ex-spouse to court. It literally takes over their lives, and the health and well-being of the children they brought into the world becomes non-existent, or at best, secondary.

If faced with divorce and custody issues, consider mediation before trying to settle the issues in the traditional court system. Excluding cases where physical abuse is involved, the mediation process can work and is worth a try even in the most difficult of situations.

How to Set Up a Juvenile Court Mediation Program, 25^th National Conference on Juvenile Justice, March 22, 1998. Presented by National District Attorneys Association and National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges.

Stepping Stones
by Jean Baldwin
Parenting. Is there a more difficult job in the world? Most would say there is not another job responsibility that can take your energy, your heart, and, sometimes, your hair like the role of parenting. Children come into the world completely dependent on their caretakers for the most basic of needs. And when those needs are met they grow into healthy, active toddlers and children with inquisitive minds and hands. Or is it head-strong stubbornness? And what is next; adolescence? Heaven help us!! How do you effectively parent and love a child into a caring, responsible, creative adult while nurturing his individual spirit?
Dr. Ross Campbell, the author of Relational Parenting, states that there are two common approaches parents take in raising children. Dr. Campbell writes that parents take a reactive approach to parenting or a proactive one. The important distinction between these two approaches is that reactive parenting responds primarily to what children do while the proactive approach deals with what children need. Reactive parenting is responding after the fact, thus using punishment as the primary discipline tool. Proactive parenting anticipates the behaviors and finds ways to meet those needs, utilizing teaching and modeling as the discipline tools.
The way parents express their love needs to be age appropriate, paying close attention to the personality of each child. Relational Parenting describes four areas that this love can be expressed, thus forming the basis of effective, proactive parenting. Dr. Campbell calls these areas the four foundation stones of effective parenting. They are:
*Meeting the emotional and nurturance needs of your child
*Giving loving training and discipline to your child
*Providing physical and emotional protection for your child
*Teaching and modeling anger management for your child
The first foundation stone of meeting the emotional needs of your child includes loving them unconditionally. Unconditional love is the acceptance of the person no matter what behavior is acted out. Separating the behavior from the person supports the spirit of the child while accepting that mistakes are made but love is consistent. Nurturing his dreams, goals, and outlook creates a sense of worth and confidence. Anticipate mistakes and unrealistic dreams. But always encourage hope and effort.
The second foundational stone is training and disciplining in a loving way. Using the reactive approach involves anticipating situations and preparing for them. By merely reacting to their behaviors our response will always be tied to negative behaviors. Yes, appropriate punishment is necessary at times. But consistent, fair discipline encourages confidence, self-control and a healthy relationship between parent and child. And isn’t the goal of parenting for children to become self-reliant, responsible, happy and successful adults?
Teaching values and ethical responsibility is a way of protecting our children from physical and emotional harm, the third area of effective parenting. As parents of small children we are their guardians from the monsters under their bed and the strangers on the street. But as they grow up and become independent thinkers (a development of a healthy adult) and become separated from us emotionally as well as physically they need the skills to make good decisions. Instilling a personal code of ethics and teaching a set of values during their childhood becomes the foundation for a good decision making skills and for their lives to take a positive course.
The fourth foundational stone is training children to handle their anger in a respectful way. Anger is an emotion like joy, sadness, and hurt and you can’t effectively deny it. Modeling your behavior by words, actions, and non-verbal communication in a non-threatening and non-abusive manner encourages resilience and acknowledges that mistakes are just behaviors, not people. Focusing on what your child does right instead of what he does wrong strengthens the bond between parent and child. As Campbell says, “Positive guidance for good behavior is far superior to negative punishment for poor behavior.”
It is never too late to begin to use different, more positive methods in parenting. Seeking help through books, professionals and divine guidance can put your children on a path of self-discipline, responsibility, and a successful future.

Shared stories, shared blessings
by Nonie Caruthers
“What do you like most about working at Samaritan Center?” Recently, a friend who is pursuing a graduate degree in counseling posed this question to me. As I thought about her question several ideas popped into my head. I immediately thought about the staff at the center. Our administrative manager brings such comfort, peace and competence to our group. Not only does she know how to run things, administratively, she knows people. She always has a smile on her face and a kind word to say, not only to the staff, but also to our clients. I thought also about the rest of the staff. We are a tight knit community passionate about pastoral counseling. However, we are also unique individuals who each bring different points of view to the center and our clients. At Samaritan, I feel accepted to be myself and encouraged to support the individuals working here.
While my immediate thoughts raced toward our staff, my ultimate answer to my friend’s question did not directly include them. Instead, I dug deeper within myself to know what I really like most about working here. It is the clients! I told her that it is an awesome privilege to talk with the individuals who come to our center seeking help and support.
Clients share their pain, anxiety, sadness and their joy, hope and fears. They share their stories in an effort to develop something different and new for themselves or their families. Working together to find solutions, whether that means changing behaviors, developing acceptance, deepening faith or finding comfort and understanding is ultimately an exciting, creative process. Ultimately, it is a blessing for me to be a part of the process and watch individuals work toward change and newness in their lives.

Dealing With the Anger Around You (or Within You)
by Ann Inabnet
When we hear of or think of the word “anger,” different thoughts and feelings come about for each of us. A few of us may experience anger as good, while most of us may experience anger as bad. One “official” definition found in the dictionary is, a feeling of displeasure and hostility resulting from injury, mistreatment, opposition, etc. So if anger is a feeling, how can it be good? First of all, this automatic physiological reaction has an important function of defending and protecting by pumping us up to overcome a threat or provocation. In today’s society anger functions in the form ranging from a firm assertion when personal rights seem to be infringed upon to a physical counter measure when bodily danger seems imminent.
However, the “bad” side of anger is not so functional. Its effects are evident in our families, schools, and places of work. Many of us a forced to live with, work with, or go to school with someone who is consumed by anger. Anything could be the spark that lights their fuse.
Understanding the characteristics typical of habitually angry people helps in knowing how to relate to them. Often their unmet needs can put fuel to their anger. Therefore, satisfying the need, such as alleviation of pain, or compensation for lack of security, respect, or self-worth – becomes the mission of angry people. Anyone or anything that gets in the way of that mission becomes a target of their hostility.
People with chronic anger often have great expectations of themselves and those around them. Like most of us, angry people operate on the assumption that their perception of the world is accurate. However, consumed by their need, hot-tempered people have a tendency to distort actions and words of even their loved ones.
Clear communication is the best tool to avoiding and diverting heated confrontations. The following strategies require courage and practice.
· Say what you mean. When we fail to communicate accurately, misinterpretation takes place. Most of us respond defensively to criticism. Chronically angry people will often fight back in the belief that they are being personally attacked. Use I rather than you, and avoid statements that use never and always.
· Respond wisely. The tone of a discussion is of equal importance to the words being said. Choose to reply in an even tone rather than responding in kind with loud replies or deliberate silence.
· Practice active listening. In conversation, whether hostile or friendly, we often tend to be either listening for what we want to hear or mentally preparing the great response we will deliver as soon as the other person takes a breath. Marriage experts recommend a practice of putting into your own words what you think you heard your spouse is saying. This practice works in all relationships and assists in ensuring that the correct message has been received. The skill of active listening helps to determine the reason behind the confrontation by defining the conflict, therefore avoiding a lot of useless strife. “I want to be sure I understand what is upsetting you. Is it that . . . ?”
So if you have recognized that an angry person lives at your home, or workplace, try some of these strategies to avoid unnecessary verbal battles. If you have decided that perhaps that angry person in your midst is you, it is important to know what to expect if you choose to do work on your anger, either on your own or with the assistance of a professional.
Learning to express the feeling of anger in a “good” and healthy manner requires practice. The first challenge is to recognize it and learn to deal with it in a realistic and reasonable manner. The results can bring greater health emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically.

Are You Speaking the Right Love Language?
By Stacie R. Hildebrand, LPC, LMFT

     Our deepest emotional need is to be loved. We search for it in various relationships but have the highest expectations of our mate. In our mate, we look for someone who will know, value, love, and accept us for who we really are…not just the mask we show the world. Unfortunately, our society focuses primarily on the initial stage of love, infatuation. Infatuation involves passion, excitement, connection, and “rose colored glasses”. People minimize differences or even deny them in this stage and generally want to spend all their time with the other person. It is promoted in romance
novels, movies, fairy tales, and commercials as the ideal of love. Most people get married or engaged during the infatuation stage. Love requires little effort and it feels as if it will be like this forever. However, after Cinderella marries the prince real life sets in and love takes a little more effort. This generally happens within the first two years of the relationship.
     It is necessary for a couple to move from the infatuation stage to what Gary Chapman calls the covenant stage in order for love to last. Their vision has cleared and issues and differences become obvious. People refocus on other parts of life and learn to balance time and energy between the relationship and other focuses. At this stage, people choose to put effort into the relationship or take each other for granted. It is easy to get complacent as this stage also involves a sense of being safe, familiar and confident within the relationship. Effort involves choosing to behave lovingly toward your partner. This type of effort is what enables people to be happily married for 50 years. According to
Chapman, learning your love languages is a key ingredient to making love last as it teaches you which behaviors mean the most to your mate.
     A common misconception is that if someone loves us they know what we need to feel loved and valued. Each of us has to identify what we need and share it and our expectations with our mate. Gary Chapman’s five love languages is a simple way to find out what you need to feel loved, how to speak your mate’s love language, and improve the quality of the relationship.
     When someone speaks our love language, we naturally feel connected to them and view them in a positive manner. The love languages are divided into five categories: (1) Quality Time, (2) Words of Affirmation, (3) Gifts, (4) Acts of Service, and (5) Physical Touch. We enjoy things from all of the categories but need our primary love language spoken to feel truly loved and valued.
     Quality time is focusing your undivided attention on your mate and sharing time together. It can involve sitting down and having a good conversation where you listen intently to your mate or sharing while doing an activity. The activity is secondary as it can be something one or both of you enjoys. Watching TV in the same room does not count. It must involve eye contact, talking, and listening while doing a shared activity. To speak this love language, you have to really listen to your mate and try to understand their point of view. Interrupting, talking over, and being distracted interferes with this
love language. Make the effort to work on these and other communication skills if this is your mate’s love language.
     Words of affirmation is a love language everyone values because we all liked to be validated and appreciated. You are speaking this love language when you compliment, encourage, appreciate, praise, or speak kindly to your mate. Forgiveness is also a vital component. Speaking kindly is not just choosing kind words but also about using a kind tone. Insults, criticisms, put downs, condescension, etc. is the opposite of this love language. Choose your words and how you express them carefully. People who have this love language are more easily hurt by unkind words because it feels like a rejection.
     People give gifts to express love in all cultures. This is one of the easiest love languages to learn according to Chapman. However, to speak this love language it is important to remember two things: (1) gifts must be a genuine expression of love with no strings attached, and (2) gifts do not have to cost money. If a gift is given to make up for something, it will not be received as just an expression of love. While it probably will be appreciated, it will not be as meaningful as giving something for no reason. Gifts can range from picking a flower to an expensive present. The intention is to send the message that you were thinking of them and how valued/loved they are. Listen to your partner’s interests and keep a list of what they say for future reference.
     We have all heard the expression “actions speak louder than words”. It is never more true than if your partner’s love language is acts of service. People with this love language need to feel they can count on their partner. Acts must be done freely instead of out of fear, guilt, or resentment. They range from taking care of chores around the house to bringing someone a glass of tea. When you do things for your mate, they feel valued and loved. However, if you do not do things for your mate, they feel taken for granted, devalued, and unloved.
     The last love language is physical touch. All humans respond to physical touch and need it to feel connected. We respond to tender, affirming physical touch from the day we are born to the day we die. However, we vary on how much is enough. If this is your mate’s love language, they need to be touched by you to feel assured and loved. Touch ranges from sitting close to one another on the couch to sex. The key ingredient is to be affectionate and physically close without an agenda. You are touching your partner to make them feel loved, not to get something in return. This love language requires you to be sensitive to your partner’s mood, location, and how they like to be touched. If you
are not affectionate toward a person with this love language, they feel rejected and unloved.
     There are many ways to identify you and your mate’s primary love language. There is a simple and short test in the back of any of Chapman’s love language books. In addition, you can pay attention to the things your partner does that make you feel valued and loved. Once you begin to identify those behaviors, it is relatively easy to identify your primary love language. To identify your mate’s love language, pay attention to what they ask for, what they complain about, and what they appreciate the most.
     Love requires effort and is a behavior choice. Choose to be a better mate and treat your partner lovingly. Learn how to speak your partner’s love language and practice it consistently. It may be difficult due to lack of natural skills but you can learn any of these love languages with effort and practice. Take responsibility to research it on your own, work with your pastor, go to counseling, or anything else to gain the necessary skills. The purpose of love is to enhance your mate’s well-being according to Chapman. Learn your own love language and explain what you need to feel loved and valued. The only thing you control in a relationship is the kind of partner you choose to be. Choose to be a loving partner. It is not enough to know what to do, you must do it consistently. There is nothing better than feeling truly valued and loved which makes it worth every effort.

Communicating Love to a Child
By: Paula Shepherd, M.Ed., LPC, LMFT

One of the greatest human needs is to be loved and to express love to those who are important to us. Doing so allows us to strengthen the bonds of our relationship with others and inspires intimacy and a special kind of closeness. As human beings, we have the tendency to believe that our perception of love and relationships is comparable to others’ perceptions of the same. The truth is that we are all unique in the way we relate and the way we receive and perceive love. This is especially true of children and in order to reach them emotionally, we must learn to convey love through our interactions with them.
According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages of Children, our children will feel love if we learn to speak to them in their own specific love language. If children feel cared for and cherished, they will respond by putting forth their best effort in all they attempt which will mold them to become more amenable to guidance and direction. Chapman’s theory about love and relationships rests on five ways we communicate the message of love to our kids: through physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time together, gifts, and acts of service.
Physical touch is important to the healthy development of a child and is one of love’s strongest voices. Love through physical touch can be expressed to children in a number of ways such as hugs and kisses, pats on the back for a job well done, holding and comforting a child when he is sick, or a gesture as innocent as a tickle during play time.
Speaking affirming words to a child simply means conveying love by giving words of praise and encouragement, affection and endearment. This can be accomplished by placing special notes in your child’s lunchbox or backpack, saying “I love you” often, giving words of encouragement right before an important event, or sharing 3 reasons why you are proud of your child when he is feeling down.
Spending quality time together means giving your complete, focused and undivided attention to your child with no interruptions from the outside world. Examples include cooking together or creating a simple snack together, blowing bubbles together in the back yard, playing with your child in the park, singing songs, finger painting, or coloring with your child, and sharing family meals together. Spending meaningful time with a child helps foster emotional bonding and helps create lasting memories and rituals.
Love expressed through gift giving can come in many forms. The idea behind gift giving is not for payment for services provide but is an expression of genuine love that is given freely with nothing expected in return. Gifts can comprise “gifts of self” as well as gifts of nature and tangible gifts. Examples include going to your child’s favorite restaurant or creating his favorite meal at home, giving personally created “special coupons” for movie and popcorn night, an extra half hour of time with dad doing something of the child’s choosing, or giving a lasting gift of nature such as planting a tree together and nourishing it to full growth.
Acts of service can convey love to children in a very special way. Simply stated, it entails doing things for your child when he/she asks as a genuine expression of love. Love can be conveyed by preparing your child’s favorite snack after a hard day at school, helping your child with a special school project/science fair project, reading your child’s favorite story to him when he is feeling sick, or starting a special birthday tradition by making your child’ s favorite meal in celebration and allowing him to help bake and decorate his cake.
Regardless of what specific language your child speaks primarily, it is important that we learn to speak ALL of the above languages to our children. Love is a conscious choice we make each and every day and requires effort and consistent practice. By choosing to speak your child’s love language, you are choosing to love and to be loved.